a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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