"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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