I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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