mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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