If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
