i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
