Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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