Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
