i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
