I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
