Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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