i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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