I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
