um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
