I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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