paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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