Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize