Got a toothbrush?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
