dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need a hoe opinion
go on
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
