i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize