I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
