i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
