We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize