I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
