he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When are your genitals available?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
