I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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