i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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