Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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