I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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