My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
