@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
