Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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