$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
