We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
