This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He felt like a one man threesome
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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