So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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