wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
