dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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