ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
