Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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