We're like a lot better than the average bears
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
