Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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