If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
