Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
