4 words: hood of his car
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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