I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
