you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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