I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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