I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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