he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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