Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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