I'm gonna have a badass scar
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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