walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
