So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize