Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
