I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
