She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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