Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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