Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
