please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
